I recently went to a women’s group to support a friend who was leading the discussion. The topic was on comparison and validation.
We were guided to get really honest with ourselves: Where do I seek validation, where am I striving, how am I comparing myself to others?
Yikes.
As I reflected upon these questions, I realized that the validation I seek through external accomplishments can only be fulfilled by an internal sense of self-acceptance. It was made clear to me: validation and comparison come from a place of not recognizing my own worth. The nagging ache inside that says “you’re not enough” is incredibly hard to sit with and many of us will do anything to drown it out or fill the void by striving, overworking, overextending, and avoiding rest and rejuvenation at all costs. Also, let’s just address the elephant in the room:
Rest and stillness are an act of rebellion in today’s society.
Not to mention, it can feel really intimidating to be still with our thoughts, our hearts, and the cadence that is going on beneath the busyness of life. We instinctively know that we are made to savor life more than the modern day seems to allow; we are made to breathe in the morning birdsong; to take a moment to hear the rain fall through a cracked window; to see the sun rise for yet another day we have to be alive. But then there’s the other voice. The one that says “do more, be more, stay busy always.” Busyness is equated with productivity which we think defines our worth. This isn’t true, but it seems that the world’s message overpowers that inner-knowing we have.
We compare ourselves to others in order to find “evidence” that we are, in fact, unworthy. We aren’t good enough as we are: someone’s prettier, smarter, harder working; someone else has the body, job, relationship that we want; from the outside looking in, we start to believe everyone else has it easier than we do. Can you relate?
Seeking validation—and all of the forms that takes—misses the point. It’s not about gaining approval from our boss, parents, or our childhood friend who watches our stories on Instagram. It comes down to fully accepting ourselves: our life situations, our limitations, our emotions. But it also comes with acknowledging equally our strengths, blessings, and life’s inherent sacredness.
You may be thinking: “Ya, ya, ya, I get it. I just need to accept myself.” But practically, what does that even look like?
The word and idea of “serenity” sparks great meaning in my soul. It’s what I yearn for, it’s what I seek to live out, and it’s the message I hope to share with others. Heck, it’s the title of this entire website! Not surprisingly, the Serenity Prayer also holds a special spot in my heart as well because although it is simple—and quite easy to miss its depth if we rush through it—I think all of our lives would truly transform if we lived it out and embodied this prayer. If you’re not familiar, it goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ahh. Take a deep breath. Breathe in those words. Allow them to sink in.
Serenity comes from deep, abiding acceptance. A trusting surrender. It reminds me: everything is ok. And if I really think about it, my tendency to compare myself comes from believing I need to be different than who I am. But I firmly believe this prayer can be our heart’s GPS to greater peace and freedom.
Let’s practice: Bring to mind a current situation, thought pattern or negative belief you have about yourself and reflect upon or journal out the following questions:
Practice Acceptance: In what area am I struggling with acceptance? Am I placing unnecessary judgment or pressure on myself? What do I need to accept about this situation or about myself? Remember: resistance is what causes internal friction in our life. Acceptance is what liberates us from it.
Practice Courage: How can I act with courage in this situation? (Perhaps repeating a word or phrase that builds you up rather than tears you down; or perhaps calling that person and having an honest conversation, etc). Where do I need to take brave action and where do I need to let go of control? What’s one step today where I can implement this courage? Lean in to fear. It just may be the way out.
Practice Wise Discernment: What is truly, deeply in my control in this situation at hand? What is not in my control to change? How can I make peace with these revelations? Honor where this leads you. Self-compassion helps, always.
There is immense peace and freedom that comes from recognizing what is in our control instead of fighting with reality. You deserve that peace and freedom and it may just be a bit closer than you realize! Remember: you are not alone. So try not to judge yourself for whatever comes up.
Self-acceptance is hard.
You are worthy just as you are.
You deserve the rest and stillness it takes to cultivate and rediscover your sense of self-worth.
You do not need to fix, change or outrun yourself.
It’s ok to just be.
You deserve love just as you are.
You do not need to earn or seek approval and validation from other people.
It’s right inside you.
Worthiness is your birthright.
I recommend sharing your feelings with a loved one, a safe person. Allow them to truly see you, even if it feels scary. There’s something remarkably healing and transformative about showing others how we see ourselves and allowing them to love us through it. This can help us remember our own worth when we are struggling to see and feel it.
I truly believe acceptance—especially self-acceptnace—is the antidote to comparison. Likewise, building upon that self-acceptance and strengthening our sense of worth allows us to give ourselves the validation that we’ve been seeking in others. Knowing where we fall into comparison and the ways in which we seek validation allows us to break the cycle. Our areas of insecurity can also reveal core wounds that still need healing. Let that healing begin now.
Love enters through the cracks of our vulnerabilities and insecurities. That’s where the healing happens. Let it pour in like a light through the cracks.
Serenity and love,
Colleen