I'm Published on The Mighty!!!

I’m thrilled to share that one of my previous blogposts (September’s post “Recovery”) has been published on The Mighty! If you’re not familiar with The Mighty, it’s a mental health website that has stories from many different contributors on a wide variety of mental health topics. It ranges from depression and anxiety to chronic illness and autism. As long as those topics aren’t triggering for you, I recommend checking out the website. It can be really eye-opening and informative. Everyone deserves to have a voice and their story shared. I’m honored to have mine a part of their platform. <3

To check out my article, go here: 6 Strategies for Eating Disorder Recovery and Healing
To visit The Mighty’s home page, go here: The Mighty

How To Choose An Intention For The Year - NOT A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION!

Ahh. The New Year has begun. Have you recovered from the hustle and bustle of the holidays? I feel as though I’m just starting to resettle after Christmas and New Years and all of the things that this busy time of year brings!

As I mentioned in my previous post, “Reflections and Intentions”, I love choosing a word or two as a little guide for me to stay connected to my inner growth, to keep my focus as we re-enter the New Year. I think all of my intentions have always been an effort to navigate towards these three things:

1) being more present;
2) experiencing more inner freedom;
3) being the truest version of myself;


When I slow down, everything has a sacredness; the simple joy of pouring my tea and seeing the swirling milk and the steam rise; leaving for work just a few minutes early so that I don’t feel the hovering tick of time as I hit every red light; but rather, I notice the pitter patter of rhythmic rain as it falls to my windshield; These are all such simple, sacred moments and when I slow down enough to be fully present for them, they ground me. It’s healing.

In contrast, nothing is sacred when done from a place of striving and urgency. Staying “productive” up until the very last minute before leaving for work brings a frantic energy into my drive which makes me feel overwhelmed and impatient behind the wheel. The irony of rushing to go teach yoga class! Face palm. It’s true, even your most “woke” yoga teachers have their pitfalls!

My question for you and for me: are you living from a place of relentless effort, or effortless ease and calm? Does your to-do list include things that bring you joy, freedom and playfulness? Does your to-do list honor your mind and body’s need for rest and down-regulating from life’s demands? If not, I invite you to start implementing that. Joy nourishes the mind, body, and soul.

With all that said (drum roll please), I’ve chosen this year’s words: freedom and service.

To me, freedom means:
letting go of perfection
leaning into spontaneity and playfulness
choosing positive memories around food with friends, rather than religiously “sticking to the plan”
prioritizing joy as it pertains to movement, how I spend my time, the food choices I make
mental flexibility (not everything in life needs to be routined and structured)
challenging my self-beliefs
mindfully choosing authenticity over perfection

Earlier last year in my article, 4 Ways You Can Start Healing Today, I referenced the yogic philosophy "seva” which translates as “self-less service.” I believe the more I am connected and committed to my purpose, the more I can serve others from the deepest, truest place in my heart and soul. Isn’t that what we all want?

To me, service looks like:
1) Intentional acts of kindness: What is one, intentional thing I can do to show kindness today?
2) Deepening my knowledge in my areas of expertise: whether it be in yoga, mindfulness, personal training, nutrition etc. What’s the most I can give to each person I have the honor of working with?
3) “Wise use of energy” — in yoga this is one of the “Yamas” which are “guiding principles” to help relieve suffering. Am I spending my time and energy on things that lead me to the truest, freest version of myself? Or am I striving?

Are you interested in choosing a word or two to guide and inspire you? Are you feeling a little stuck or unsure where to begin?

How To Choose An Intention For The Year:

I suggest taking some time aside to reflect on how you want to feel (“energized,” “rested”, “connected”, “joyful”). What words embody that feeling for you? For example, in therapy I’ve become keenly aware of all the rigid rules I’d been imprisoning myself with. And that’s truly how I felt: encaged. This is why the word “freedom” really sparked light into my soul.

If you’re having trouble coming up with something that really strikes a chord, notice over the next few days if there are any themes that come up, whether you notice yourself thinking “gosh I used to have so much more energy” or “wow I should do ___ more often, that sparked joy today!” Perhaps there are external cues. Examples: someone complimenting you on your work and realizing you have something special in that area, or the same word keeps reappearing in conversation, or you find yourself having reoccurring feelings (good or bad). I believe these are “spiritual wake up calls” and it’s up to us to be open to seeing them!

Some other questions that may help:

When do you feel most fully alive?
What would inspire you to feel more focused and committed to your sense of purpose and aliveness?
What’s something you want to learn more about?
What’s something you love that you wish you “did more often”?

Lean into the insights that come up here! Dream! I believe intentions open our eyes to see opportunities, next steps, and even new horizons!

Sending so much love and serenity as we enter this New Year together,

Colleen

Recovery.

September of 2013 is the last month I remember feeling decently at ease around food. As a kid I was intuitive about eating; I never questioned:  is this one meal going to completely change my body? What is going to happen to me if I eat this food?

Recovering from an eating disorder is incredibly difficult.

What I didn’t realize when I made the choice to recover from my eating disorder is that getting back to a healthy weight didn’t mean my mind went back to a healthy place. I wish it were that simple.

It’s not.

For so many reasons.

It’s a constant battle with reality because of this obvious truth: we need food to survive.

And while I still have you here, I want to make one thing very clear: your eating disorder is not your fault.

Perhaps you need to read that a few more times to really let it sink in. Please do so. I repeat: your eating disorder is not your fault.

Recovery can feel incredibly daunting like you’re looking up at a huge mountain to climb. The Mount Everest of emotional healing, if you will. Because of this, healing and freedom can feel so far away. To that, I tell you: Yes, the journey upward is hard and painful; it will open the door to difficult emotions and lies that have imprisoned you which can feel scary, dark and unfamiliar. But that is the beauty of healing: Healing is about unlocking the truth, which always leads to the gold that is within your soul. Because remember, your eating disorder is a voice of shame and judgment and that is not who you are.

To put eating disorder recovery into a different light, let’s take the basic need of sleep. Although not every aspect of an eating disorder can be compared to it—it is far more convoluted, layered and unique to everyone’s individual story than that—it may help those who’ve never been through an eating understand a little better. And to those who have experienced it, or are in the throes of it, this may put it in a new light.

Imagine spending all day thinking about sleep. Thoughts circulating in your head over and over: “When should I sleep today? Should I sleep right now? Do I need sleep right now? Should I put off sleep for just a little bit longer? What if I sleep too much? What if I look different after sleeping? Will people think differently of me if I sleep right now?” From the very moment you open your eyes in the morning these thoughts swirl inside your mind like you’re caught up in a tornado.

It sounds ludicrous, right?

That is the pervasiveness of an eating disorder because it targets something that is so essential to living. It’s a constant, tiresome battle between what the mind is telling you and reality. If you think about it, doesn’t it sound strange to question a basic need? The above scenario doesn’t even capture the social aspect of an eating disorder: not wanting to eat out with friends, not knowing what is in your food, feeling unsafe to eat outside your normal food, not wanting to miss out on meaningful memories surrounded by food but also feeling paralyzed by the thought of eating something that isn’t deemed “safe.”

The very thing you are trying to control is actually controlling you. This is an incredibly imprisoning feeling.

In addition, merely looking at a menu feels like 4,753 tabs are open in your brain. It’s so overwhelming sometimes you may forget to breathe as you scan the plethora of food options. Not only that, but once you’ve made the decision, the fear of eating it—no matter what it is—doesn’t just last while eating at the restaurant. It follows you back home, too. You think about what you ate at the restaurant long after the meal is finished. Did I mention, all the while, trying to keep a conversation going?

It’s painful to know that I’ve completely missed the point of gathering with friends or family around a table to build connection and long-lasting memories. It is not because I’m “vain” or “superficial.” It’s a deep, aching pain to know that I’m on the outside of what should be a meaningful joy-filled experience because inside I’m going through such mental torment.

This is not something one chooses.

If you have experienced an eating disorder, you know this crippling experience.

But I have good news for you: Healing is possible. While no one chooses to develop an eating disorder (We don’t wake up one day and think: “I’m going to develop an eating disorder today!”), it is your choice whether or not you stay in it. That is the difference.

The power is in you.

The question is: Do you want to heal but you just don’t know how or even where to begin? Or, perhaps you’ve begun the journey of healing, but feel as though you’re stuck somewhere in the middle.

Everyone’s journey is different and I will not pretend to have all of the answers or everything figured out. But I do know we are all braver, stronger, and more resilient than we even realize: recovery is one of the greatest revelations of this. It is an opportunity to tap into those depths. You are capable of discovering deeper healing, freedom and peace.

Below are a few tips and techniques I’ve found helpful in my recovery process. I recommend these strategies in addition to seeing a mental health counselor and ideally a dietitian if you are able to. It does take patience, consistency, trust, and courage, but remember the reason you are choosing to recover. And continue to choose that every single day. Freedom is on the other side of fear and that is worth every single effort.

Find your why.
In this first step, reflect on your own meaningful reason to recover. Find your why. Why do you want to heal? So that you can live and love more fully? Because you know you have more to offer the world and you want to shine bright again? Do you want to feel your best and be at home with who you are? Dig deep and find the deepest, most authentic reason you are choosing recovery. This will be your anchor on the days you feel like giving up; your North Star when you feel the light inside you is dwindling. You deserve to heal. Did you know that? You deserve to be healed and whole. It begins with the choice. Find your why. Write it down and put it somewhere that you will see everyday. Perhaps your bathroom mirror or on your fridge. Remind yourself you are capable and worthy of healing and it comes from choosing your “why” over and over again.

Reframe the fear.
I used to keep a gratitude journal and each night I’d write down 3 things I was grateful for. I initially started this during a time I was in the shadows of depression (did I mention eating disorders like to hangout with depression, too?). Taking a bit of a spin on that, I’ve started to document one way I faced a fear that day—you can even share this with a loved one or a friend. For example: “Instead of declining dinner with my friends today, I went out with them even though it felt really outside my comfort zone.” This may sound simple or basic, but for someone in the throes of an eating disorder, this is no small feat. It is brave. Succumbing to the fear voice in your mind always feels defeating. In this exercise, you’re using your fear as an opportunity to be stronger than your eating disorder voice. Talk about empowering (even if it doesn’t always feel that way in the moment)! Reframe the fear: take brave action. You not only realize how brave you already are, but you tap into a deeper part of yourself that has been waiting to emerge: your truest, bravest self. She was there all along.

Celebrate the tiny victories.
If you’re not familiar with the song “Tiny Victories” by Christina Perri, I urge you to listen to it (and perhaps turn it up on the days that recovery feels more difficult). She has a lyric that really nails down the healing process:

“And if battles can win a war
I can keep picking my sword up off the floor
And learn to treasure these
Tiny victories.”

Each time, every day, that you choose courage over fear is a huge victory. Every time you reframe your fear and take brave action is something to celebrate. It happens in the tiny moments throughout the day. Celebrate each step in your recovery. Do something that feels pampering to you. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, but it needs to feel like a celebration. Perhaps you pick out a succulent at the flower shop or paint your nails with a friend. You’re gaining back your life—and that is worth every reason to celebrate.

Use setbacks as data.
Since working more closely with a dietitian, I’ve experienced first hand the hills and valleys that happen in recovery. One week I will feel like I’ve made progress in leaps and bounds. And other weeks I find myself feeling like I’ve completely evacuated my own body. My nervous system feels like an alarm is going off 24/7. It’s disorienting and can make it hard to function. This is not only ok, but it is normal. Healing is not linear and having a harder day or week does not mean you’re regressing or that you’re a failure; it merely means you’re climbing the mountain and it’s getting steeper. If you think about it, the closer you get to the mountaintop, the harder your body has to work. Breathing is more labored, your body is tired and your mind is fatigued from all of the hard work. This is good news: you are nearing a breakthrough. Next time you feel set back—whatever that means in your personal recovery process—write down what led up to it: actions, behaviors, emotions, the thoughts. Write it all down. This is important data. It not only provides insights for the future, but can help get to the root of a reoccurring habit. Setbacks, taken as data, set you forward. Remember: the harder it is, the closer you are to something beautiful.

Feel your way through.
In the healing journey, you will feel an assortment of emotions: grief, sadness, joy, pleasure, fear, defeat, empowered, etc. Welcome to being a human again! One day you may feel fine and the next moment you feel sadness or grief or perhaps lightness and joy. This is how you know you’re healing because you are actually feeling. You’re moving through the emotions, not running away from them. It’s the process of un-numbing or, as my friend put it, “de-thawing.” For me, living with an eating disorder feels like I’m simultaneously numbing, running away from myself, rigid, and robotic. It’s basically the exact opposite of being a truly feeling, healing human. Instead of using food or restriction as a way to run away from my feelings or in an effort to feel safe and in control, I choose to turn toward the feeling. Oh, hello, friend. It’s you again. Lean into the vulnerability; feel your way through; this is how you know you are healing.

Get embodied: use the power of your breath.
I have found that the deepest form of healing occurs when I am truly connected, body and mind. This can be incredibly difficult when you’ve spent so long being disconnected from your body. Patience and grace are key here. In the words of my dietician: “Your body is not broken. Your body is brilliant.” It’s time to tap into that brilliance by bravely coming back into the body—this happens naturally when we are still enough to be present within ourselves. There are many great ways to do this, but one of my favorite ways is through breath work. There are tons of books and YouTube videos out there, but below is one of my favorite breath work practices that continues to help me get back into an embodied state. Please note, this is taken from Ashley Neese’s book “How To Breathe”:

The practice:
Take a comfortable seat in a chair with your feet planted on the floor.
Set an intention for the practice (As an example, mine is usually: I am present in my body. Choose one that resonates with you).
Take 5 cycles of breath: inhaling gently, exhaling softly.
With a slow inhale, imagine drawing up energy from the earth into the soles of your feet, up to your knees and back toward your hips (I like to imagine this energy as a gold light).
On the exhale, imagine the energy flowing from your hips to your knees and then back down through the soles of your feet.
Continue this for 5 minutes.
After 5 minutes, settle into your natural rhythm of breath for 1 more minute.
Close practice.
Optional: journal your experience.

Dear one, where you are today is not your final destination. You are not your eating disorder. Like the clouds parting on a foggy day, it’s time to come out from behind the gray and allow your radiance to shine again. You are needed in this world and your recovery will inspire those around you. So keep going. Lean on others for support. When you feel defeated, keep your eyes on the view ahead. You are stronger than your deepest struggle.



The Antidote to Comparison.

I recently went to a women’s group to support a friend who was leading the discussion. The topic was on comparison and validation.
We were guided to get really honest with ourselves: Where do I seek validation, where am I striving, how am I comparing myself to others?

Yikes.

As I reflected upon these questions, I realized that the validation I seek through external accomplishments can only be fulfilled by an internal sense of self-acceptance. It was made clear to me: validation and comparison come from a place of not recognizing my own worth. The nagging ache inside that says “you’re not enough” is incredibly hard to sit with and many of us will do anything to drown it out or fill the void by striving, overworking, overextending, and avoiding rest and rejuvenation at all costs. Also, let’s just address the elephant in the room:

Rest and stillness are an act of rebellion in today’s society.

Not to mention, it can feel really intimidating to be still with our thoughts, our hearts, and the cadence that is going on beneath the busyness of life. We instinctively know that we are made to savor life more than the modern day seems to allow; we are made to breathe in the morning birdsong; to take a moment to hear the rain fall through a cracked window; to see the sun rise for yet another day we have to be alive. But then there’s the other voice. The one that says “do more, be more, stay busy always.” Busyness is equated with productivity which we think defines our worth. This isn’t true, but it seems that the world’s message overpowers that inner-knowing we have.

We compare ourselves to others in order to find “evidence” that we are, in fact, unworthy. We aren’t good enough as we are: someone’s prettier, smarter, harder working; someone else has the body, job, relationship that we want; from the outside looking in, we start to believe everyone else has it easier than we do. Can you relate?

Seeking validation—and all of the forms that takes—misses the point. It’s not about gaining approval from our boss, parents, or our childhood friend who watches our stories on Instagram. It comes down to fully accepting ourselves: our life situations, our limitations, our emotions. But it also comes with acknowledging equally our strengths, blessings, and life’s inherent sacredness.

You may be thinking: “Ya, ya, ya, I get it. I just need to accept myself.” But practically, what does that even look like?

The word and idea of “serenity” sparks great meaning in my soul. It’s what I yearn for, it’s what I seek to live out, and it’s the message I hope to share with others. Heck, it’s the title of this entire website! Not surprisingly, the Serenity Prayer also holds a special spot in my heart as well because although it is simple—and quite easy to miss its depth if we rush through it—I think all of our lives would truly transform if we lived it out and embodied this prayer. If you’re not familiar, it goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ahh. Take a deep breath. Breathe in those words. Allow them to sink in.

Serenity comes from deep, abiding acceptance. A trusting surrender. It reminds me: everything is ok. And if I really think about it, my tendency to compare myself comes from believing I need to be different than who I am. But I firmly believe this prayer can be our heart’s GPS to greater peace and freedom.

Let’s practice: Bring to mind a current situation, thought pattern or negative belief you have about yourself and reflect upon or journal out the following questions:

Practice Acceptance: In what area am I struggling with acceptance? Am I placing unnecessary judgment or pressure on myself? What do I need to accept about this situation or about myself? Remember: resistance is what causes internal friction in our life. Acceptance is what liberates us from it.

Practice Courage: How can I act with courage in this situation? (Perhaps repeating a word or phrase that builds you up rather than tears you down; or perhaps calling that person and having an honest conversation, etc). Where do I need to take brave action and where do I need to let go of control? What’s one step today where I can implement this courage? Lean in to fear. It just may be the way out.

Practice Wise Discernment: What is truly, deeply in my control in this situation at hand? What is not in my control to change? How can I make peace with these revelations? Honor where this leads you. Self-compassion helps, always.

There is immense peace and freedom that comes from recognizing what is in our control instead of fighting with reality. You deserve that peace and freedom and it may just be a bit closer than you realize! Remember: you are not alone. So try not to judge yourself for whatever comes up.

Self-acceptance is hard.
You are worthy just as you are.
You deserve the rest and stillness it takes to cultivate and rediscover your sense of self-worth.
You do not need to fix, change or outrun yourself.
It’s ok to just be.
You deserve love just as you are.
You do not need to earn or seek approval and validation from other people.
It’s right inside you.
Worthiness is your birthright.

I recommend sharing your feelings with a loved one, a safe person. Allow them to truly see you, even if it feels scary. There’s something remarkably healing and transformative about showing others how we see ourselves and allowing them to love us through it. This can help us remember our own worth when we are struggling to see and feel it.

I truly believe acceptance—especially self-acceptnace—is the antidote to comparison. Likewise, building upon that self-acceptance and strengthening our sense of worth allows us to give ourselves the validation that we’ve been seeking in others. Knowing where we fall into comparison and the ways in which we seek validation allows us to break the cycle. Our areas of insecurity can also reveal core wounds that still need healing. Let that healing begin now.

Love enters through the cracks of our vulnerabilities and insecurities. That’s where the healing happens. Let it pour in like a light through the cracks.

Serenity and love,

Colleen

Little Tree (for the sensitive ones).

It’s early morning. My body awoke all on its own. At first I tried to snag a few extra moments of sleep, but I think something in me knew today was a “get up before the sun” kind of morning. There’s something sacred and special about the early morning. So here I am, sitting on my couch with a hot cup of coffee. The windows to my living room are open so I’m greeted by the sweet sounds of birds. I can hear 3 distinct bird sounds, but I’m not quite sure what the bird names are. Nevertheless, this is one of my happiest places. Sweet and pure.

Yesterday, I had the wonderful opportunity to go on a mini “yoga retreat” with some friends. It was about a hour long drive to the destination, where we landed at a nature center. The yoga took place in a forest. Our group of 18 yogis laid out our mats one by one. And with each unrolled mat, there’s a part of our hearts that also seems to unravel onto the forest floor. How can you not when you’re in such a sacred space in the woods? We’re in a unique nook in the woods because there’s an opening with flat ground, just enough for us yogis, but it’s in the heart of a forest. The trees are long and tall. And when you look up to the sky, depending on which angle you’re at, the tree branches at the top make a heart shape and beyond the heart-shape opening, is pure sky. Sometimes clouds pass by, but sometimes it’s a pristine blue abyss with an effervescent gleam of light shimmering through.

We introduce ourselves one by one and share what brought us to “yoga in the pines.” Introductions are not my favorite and I’ve never felt like I’m any good at them, so this is by far my least favorite part. Thankfully it’s over with right at the beginning. Then class begins. We start on our backs with a grounding meditation. Looking up to the sky above, feeling held by the earth below. Ahhh… We gently get into some more movement and warrior poses and throughout the playful and intuitive sequence, our instructor reads a few phrases from an excerpt written by Eckhart Tolle (Note: if you’re not familiar with himI recommend checking him out).

Something I’ve always noticed is how the birdsong is so crystal clear and pure in the woods. It’s like the difference between city air and mountain air. There’s a poignancy about it. About 45 minutes into the practice we are guided to take a “walking meditation” throughout the woods. There are some trails to follow, but I prefer letting the forest and my curiosity be my guide. I’m walking along the forest floor, hearing the crunch of pine cones and leaves beneath my feet. I find myself looking up at the sky with the light of the sun streaming through the treetop branches. Radiant. I lean up against a tree and just stare up above, as though I’ve never seen life from this perspective. Instinctively, my eyes drift downward so my gaze is just in front of me. I notice the gentle sway of the leaves on a tree a few feet in front of me.

Looking at this tree in I notice that I don’t feel any breeze on my own skin yet this gentle, unassuming tree’s leaves are flowing softly. I notice this is one of the only trees that’s swaying in the wind. I think to myself: this tree has heightened sensitivity.

Perhaps this is an odd instinct, but I saw myself in the tree.

You see, I’m a very sensitive person, but when I say “sensitive” I do not mean “takes everything personally.” In this sense of the word, I mean I am deeply impacted by my environment, the people around me, their energy and emotions, and all of the sounds and stimulation. In other words: I have highly attuned “senses.” When I’m taking good care of myself, this “sensitivity” can be like a superpower; I’m aware, creative, attentive. However, when I’m not sleeping well at night or dealing with excessive stress in my own life, it feels like a giant windstorm inside.

I see this delicate tree swaying. Her trunk, though also small and delicate compared to the big surrounding pine trees, is steady and strong. Yet her leaves ruffle in the wind. Though she is small, she is mighty. I see myself. Do you see you?

We are often shamed out of our sensitivity as kids. It’s considered weakness in our society. Or if not a weakness, at least a nuisance. “She’s just sensitive.” However, if you think about it, being sensitive is about being highly connected to our senses and the opposite of sensitive by definition is not “strong” (or, dare I joke, “AWESOME”)…the antonym is “insensitive, unresponsive, impervious.” No thank you!

I hear the gentle sound of a bell, which is our signal to mindfully wander ourselves back to our mats. I feel changed by the experience of the sun streaming through the treetops and the sweet sway of the little tree in front of me. I feel present, alive and restored. A sense of healing within.

Soon after being called back to our mats, we make our way on to our backs to finish with some restorative movements. Sky above, earth below, stillness within. We lay on our backs in “savasana”, or as our instructor called it, a “yoga nap.”

After we finish with savasana and namaste, I open my eyers and look around. I can’t help but notice the collective energy of the groupt: peaceful, rested, grounded. In one word: sensitized. There’s a settledness but also an aliveness. Whether we know it or not, we are all like the little tree, who swayed in the wind, and there’s a magic in connecting with our inherent sensitivity.

Stay soft. Stay sensitized.

Rooted below, standing tall, beautifully and softly caressed by the gentle wind.

Keep taking care of you.

Another Year Around The Sun.

Truth be told, I had a completely different idea of what this May post would be about. Originally I wrote out 25 things I learned over the year, commemorating the end of being 25. However, I was having technological issues so I couldn’t access my website and I was very uninspired by the writing I had done (no offense to myself). Talk about a creative rejection from the universe. Nothing says, “Uh, TRY AGAIN,” like the entire website shutting down on you! Clearly, I had some deeper thinking to do. Thank you, universe, for calling me out!

Another year around the sun.
Now I’m 26.
Pardon me if I sound way too sentimental saying this, but… I find as I climb deeper into my 20s, each birthday comes with a sense of nostalgia—a bittersweetness. I ask myself: Was this year what I hoped it’d be? Am I who I thought I’d be at this age? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go?

Similar to New Years or graduations or anything that sets a season of life apart, I find birthdays to be a new beginning. There’s the sweetness of reconnecting with my heart’s yearnings once again. My spirit is filled with hope for another year to explore, learn, and live. In these moments, I remember the magic of being truly alive.

Last year on my birthday I was in a very different place in life. I was thriving in my job, meeting new people, feeling engaged and enriched in my professional and in my personal life. Life felt new and exciting. But the latter part of the year was unexpectedly difficult. Although it’s hard in the moment, I’ve learned to honor the technicolor of a full life, which includes knowing intimately life’s inevitable disappointments, struggles, and frustrations—the bitter part.

Fast forward. I recently left a job I used to love that gradually had become a place I no longer felt I belonged. It was an achey process, and one I tried to fix and control for awhile. But ultimately, it was taking me further away from who I want to be and where I want to go—and I knew it. I felt distant from the part of me that knows I can do so much more. In fact, that little voice inside? She kept whispering, You’re made for so much more.

In this particular season of stress and disappointment, I found myself untouched by life’s wonder, beauty and magic. The birds still sung outside my window when I awoke each morning, but my heart wasn’t washed over with a sense of joy and awe like it used to be. I felt tremendously disenchanted by it. Unphased. I noticed the birdsong and tried to embrace its sweetness, but I couldn’t.

In those moments of barely even feeling like a shell of a human, I wondered: Where does the magic go? It’s right in front of me, but feels out of reach.

Perhaps the magic doesn’t “go” anywhere in the literal sense. Perhaps something in me left. I experienced burnout in a way I’d never experienced before. I dealt with a break up, a job change and an injury that lasted the entire year. I let go of familiarity and control and certainty.

But with any “letting go” there’s an equal opportunity to “let in.” Perhaps I let life’s inherent goodness—the sweetness— hide behind the shadows of life. And it’s time to find how to let it back in. I don’t know what this year has in store for me and I’m totally ok with that. What I do know is I’m going to prioritize the beginnings of this new chapter exploring and discovering what I choose to “let in.”

I have some exciting changes coming my way and I’m truly looking forward to it. I’ll continue to embrace the excitement, hope, even the fear. The Bitter and the Sweet. And I’ll wash my hands clean of the past. Let the spring rain wash away all of the dust…to allow the flowers to blossom. It’s a new year; new age; new chapter. I’m already sensing a flicker of magic re-awakening inside me as I write this. And that’s all I need. Just a flicker.

”How beautifully you are learning the art of surrender, the courage to let go, in the wild of your unknowns.” - Morgan Harper Nichols

P.S. The photo was taken above while out on a walk with a friend.