We’ve all experienced pain and struggle but sometimes navigating our way out looks and feels like a twisty and turning maze. Whether it’s heartbreak, or the loss of a loved one, or dealing with anxiety or depression, healing is possible and you have the resources within to find that healing. Below are 4 truths that can lead you to the path of healing today. So grab a cup of tea, put on your coziest slippers and join me!
1. Healing takes time.
Healing often takes longer than we think it “should.” Although this may seem like a bad thing, I’ve come to believe it’s a hidden gift. Beneath all that causes us to suffer is the lesson we need to be freed from suffering. The process of healing is learning those wisdom-filled lessons that come from pain and struggle. Those lessons reveal deeper aspects and truths about ourselves and ultimately, are what lead to healing.
I am a self-proclaimed word nerd and I’m not remotely embarrassed to admit it either! As I was reflecting on what healing means to me, I Google searched “healing” to see what synonyms would come up. The two words that stuck out to me were “soften” and “ease.” I felt myself take a deeper breath. This resonated as true. Oftentimes when we are suffering, we harden. Regardless of what is causing us to suffer, we tend to cut ourselves off from people, withdraw, and close off. Our inner critic gets louder. “What’s wrong with me?” We blame ourselves or we blame other people. We close ourselves off to the outside world and retreat to a dark, lonely place inside. This is our initial reaction to trauma or heartbreak. Can you relate?
However, if healing is the process of restoring our inner self then it seems the only path is to soften. If you think about it, the reason we “harden” to begin with is because it makes us less penetrable; it’s a self-protection mechanism. When we soften, we become vulnerable to the emotions that allow us to feel our pain. But that is where the change happens and it is only by allowing ourselves to feel that we can heal. It’s counterintuitive, but it’s where the transformation takes place.
As a yoga instructor, I often guide my students to “soften a little deeper with every exhale.” This allows them to sink deeper into the posture and find more ease. I believe this is what happens on an emotional and spiritual level when we allow ourselves to soften. Softening invites compassion, which creates a space for us to feel—and therefore work through our pain.
Try it with me:
Take a moment to take a nice, deep breath. As you exhale, sigh it all out. Allow your chest to sink, shoulders to soften. Inhale nice and deep again, allow the air to fill up your rib cage, chest lifts…and sigh it out again. Ahh…
What did you feel when you allowed yourself to fully exhale? Did you feel relief? Did you feel yourself soften? Within 10 seconds, you were able to relieve tension from your physical body. Imagine the impact of softness in response to all of your pain and suffering. How would that change your experience? How would it change you?
Healing does take time. Healing does take work. But most often it takes time and work because we have to unlearn the tendencies that harden us, and keep us running away from experiencing softness and ease. Maybe the lesson underneath your suffering is learning to surrender, or trust, or practice acceptance or self-forgiveness or realizing you do not need to earn your worth. Whatever the lesson is, softness will get you there sooner. So do not be disheartened by the process. Allow yourself to soften. Allow yourself to feel. And allow the healing to happen.
2. Healing takes presence.
I often catch myself falling into this “fantasy world” of what my future “healed” self will be like. She’s off in the distance in this perfect universe that feels almost within my reach. She’s happy, free, and untouched by the things that once caused deep pain (probably off in the mountains or on a perfect beach somewhere in the Caribbean, just saying). However, there are two major things wrong with this scenario: the future never exists—it’s only the continuation of the present moment— and I will never become that person if I don’t take action now. It’s about taking baby steps in the right direction everyday. Instead, I ask myself: “What or how would my best self react in this given situation?” This question allows me to take action. This brings healing and growth into the present. Healing doesn’t happen later. It happens now. Perhaps that is the gift of the present moment. It’s where all life takes place. Every moment is an opportunity for mindfulness, healing, and kindness.
Try it with me:
The next time you find yourself having a strong emotional reaction to something or someone, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself: What would the person I’m striving to become do in this situation? How would he or she react? What would he or she say?
I’ve learned never to take action when I’m in an elevated emotional state. I have to let the strong emotions run their course. I cannot make my best decisions—especially important ones—or address whatever is causing my distress without becoming grounded first. For me, this often means taking a long walk or talking to a friend to help process the situation. Once I’ve regathered myself, I’m then able to address whatever the given situation is (whether it’s a person, a conversation, or something else) with more poise and grace.
3. Healing takes trust.
”Trust the process” is something my therapist has been telling me for years. When things get hard and painful, I so quickly jump to fear. It feels like the world can unravel uncontrollably inside. Life can feel overwhelming despite my best efforts to remain grounded. After one stressful week it feels like all of my hard work regresses back to my unhealthy thought patterns and habits. Defeated. As someone recovering from an eating disorder, this usually looks like doubting my hunger, distrusting my body’s natural cues, or judging my need for food altogether.
What does it mean to trust the process? I believe it comes down to something as simple and difficult to live out as this: learning to trust the inner knowings of your heart. That whisper inside? The quiet nudge that often asks you to act in a way that’s braver than you normally would choose to? That.
Healing looks different for everyone. I’ve previously battled with deep depression and continue to work through anxiety. I’ve previously used exercise addiction and an eating disorder to cope. I used to treat my body like a machine; depriving it of what it needs and forcing it beyond its limits as a way to run away from feelings. For me, trusting the process means slowing down enough to hear what’s going on inside. To feel the hunger. To feel the fear. In this stillness is where that inner voice can be heard. There’s a quote that I love that articulates this simply: “Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.” When we learn to hear that voice, is when we can truly trust the process.
Try it with me:
Think back to the last time you were feeling really stressed or overwhelmed. What were your compensations: Were you tempted to overwork? Or lie on the couch for 15 hours straight? Or reach for food that makes you feel lousy afterward? Those fall back habits are our natural response to stress. To reverse those habits, we have to get in touch with ourselves to know what we truly need. Rest? Nourishing food? Calling a friend? Take a moment to write down 3-5 healthy coping mechanisms to refer back to next time you’re feeling overwhelmed. For example: drink a glass of water, go for a walk outside, get creative and do a craft, watch 20 minutes (not 12 hours) of your favorite show. Nourishing your spirit will make it easier to hear your inner voice.
4. Healing offers service.
Nothing forces us to look within like hitting rock bottom. Soul-crushing, heart-shattering life experiences are sometimes the only way to get our attention. This is often a wake up call from a deep life purpose that is emerging from within. Rock bottom comes to break us open. To break us into place.
It is in the human heart to want to make a difference in the world. We only feel a deep sense of satisfaction when we are living out from our heart and contributing to the world in a way that feels meaningful. In Sanskrit, the word Seva means “selfless service.” Part of what redeems the things in our lives that have caused us great pain and suffering is being able to help others walk through paths that are similar to ours. The truth is, suffering deepens our ability to understand others. It deepens our capacity for compassion. It draws out some of the most beautiful aspects of the human spirit: resilience, wisdom, kindness, compassion. This can only happen, however, when we ourselves choose to heal.
I believe my struggles with an eating disorder and exercise addiction are what led me to become a yoga instructor and personal trainer. This is part of my way of turning my struggles into a service to others. It is of utmost importance to me that I bring that holistic approach that I’ve learned from my own journey to my clients—taking into account the mental, emotional and physical needs of each person. That is where true transformation takes place: both inside and out! For this reason, I approach every client or yoga class with the intention of connecting my students more to their bodies, because our bodies are our best teacher.
Try it with me.
Ask yourself: What sets your heart on fire and makes you want to stand up for something important to you? What has been a main source of pain in your life? These are little stepping stones and clues to how you can contribute to the world from an authentic, heartfelt space.
I hope these 4 tips connected you to the deeper truths within yourself. I’d like to end with the words of a loving-kindness meditation called “Metta Meditation”:
May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful and at ease.